Serenity

2010-04-16T15:08:00.001-07:00

To be tossed and turned in this wave of discovery;

it overwhelms me.. but it moves me

A decision I'll never regret.

2010-01-24T12:45:00.000-08:00

You might not ever know me.
But I want you to know, you will always be someone who will stay dear to my heart.
When I think of you, a wave of love for you washes over me that is nearly unbearable.
Your life was worth it.
May God bless you and reveal himself to you as you grow up living in a world where you will probably know many hardships, and probably already do.
I know she'll think you were worth it one day, if she doesn't already.
My prayers will always be familiar with you.
I will never forget you.

Scarlett O'Hara

2009-12-29T00:07:00.000-08:00

I watched Gone With the Wind tonight with my mom and sister.
As annoying as it is to watch Ms Scarlett throw herself at any unattainable and secretly unwanted pleasure, all the while withholding herself from her heart's true desire in her own possession until it is too late, it is even more annoying to think how often we must do the same thing. God placing blessing after opportunity after calling after purpose, and we continue to chase after mere wind.

Dear Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler. (Though I'm not really writing this to you at all.)

You wouldn't know happiness if it was looking you in the face. Begging at your heels even. Or in the palm of your hand. God's given you so much. Take it! Hold on to it and make the most of it. God doesn't receive any glory when you wallow in what isn't to be. And it isn't to be. He's made that obvious. So what is? What is? Figure that out. Determine yourself for those plans. His plans. But stay clear of what isn't. Stay clear of what isn't.

Of course. Dear Melanie Wilkes says it much better in the movie. In less words. And more love in action. What a character to adore if I ever saw one. The Lord's patience can be more than puzzling.

Impersonal Charts.

2009-12-10T00:44:00.001-08:00

protection.
protect.
to defend or guard from attack, invasion, loss, annoyance, insult, etc.; cover or shield from injury or danger.
synonyms: security, refuge, safety.
withdrawal.
withdraw.
to draw back, away or aside; take back, remove, retract, retire, retreat; to remove oneself from some activity, competition.
synonyms: disengage, quit, leave, shrink, give up.

"For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge the more grief."

And you know. Love protects.

But it also trusts. And it perseveres.

Would you be so willing? ..Would I?

Rethinking Opportunities.

2009-12-09T08:48:00.001-08:00

If you are around kids...ever...or will be around kids...or would like to reflect on times you were with kids...or a time when you were a child...or if you were a child...or if you like kids...read this.

In a chapter called, "Working with Perception"
on building kid's perceptions of personal capabilities and personal significance.

Because Steve traveled a great deal, he went out of his way to find opportunities for his son, Michael, to do things with him when he was home. Steve's goal was to help Michael perceive himself as significant and as contributing meaningfully to what they did together. One of Steve's strategies was to ask for Michael's assistance in fixing a tractor. The tie rod had broken and required welding. Steve outfitted Michael with some leather gloves and a welding mask so he could hold the parts in alignment while Steve did the welding.
After Steve finished the welding and began to put the tools away, Michael said, "Thanks, Dad, for letting me help you fix the tractor."
Steve reflected on his statement. It was obvious that he had appreciated the opportunity, but a perceptive listener would have realized that Steve had not achieved his goal. Michael did not come to believe he had done something important for his dad; rather, he expressed his belief that his dad had done something important for him. To help him understand the importance of his role, Steve knew he needed to check out Michael's perception of the experience and then help him reevaluate.
Steve's first step was to reflect back what he had heard: "Michael, I appreciate your thanks for letting you help me fix the tractor, but what you said tells me you may not have understood that I couldn't have done it without you."
His immediate response was "Sure you could, Dad. You can do anything."
Steve had forgotten what it means to be six years old and to look at your father, who solves all the problems and fixes everything. From his point of view Steve was a potent as Superman. "Son," Steve said, "I appreciate your confidence in me, but there are some things that I just couldn't do without your help, and this was one of them."
He asked, "What do you mean, Dad?" Now he was more interested.
Steve reflected the question back: "Why do you believe I could have fixed the tractor without you?" Steve suspected the question was probably too advanced for him at age six, but how could he know what Michael was ready for if he didn't check periodically?
Steve's suspicions were correct. He had started a little high by asking Michael to analyze the situation and tell his dad what he thought. He was not defensive but expressed genuine confusion in his answer: "I don't know."
Steve followed with an easier, describe-type question.
Small children can often describe, but not interpret, and adults can then usually build an interpretation out of a description. So Steve's next question was "Well, what was it you had to do?"
He understood that question. "I had to hold the tie rod together."
Steve said, "And what was it I had to do?"
Michael said, "You had to do the welding."
Steve asked, "How many hands did it take to keep the tie rod lined up?"
He said, "Two."
"And how many hands did it take to do the welding?"
"Two."
"Well, if it takes two hands to hold the tie rod, and two hands to weld it, how many hands does it take to fix the tractor?"
Michale said, "Does math have something to do with this?"
Up until that moment, Michael believed that math was something grownups used for persecuting small children. But suddenly math had become exciting since it had something to do with fixing a tractor. Steve remained silent, waiting for him to use the perception.
Suddenly he said, "It takes four."
"Well, if it takes four hands to do the job, how many do you have?"
He said, "Two."
"How many do I have?"
"Two."
Steve said, "Could either of us have done this job alone?"
Michael said, "No way, Dad."
He was excited now and asked, "Why does the tractor keep breaking in the first place?"
Steve said, "Well, son, when I'm out doing the bush hogging and I'm driving along watching where the bush hog is going, I don't always see stumps in the grass. When the tractor hits them, sometimes they break the tie rod."
He said, "Dad, you know how it takes four hands to fix the tractor? Doesn't it take four eyes to drive it, too?"
Steve was overwhelmed with his insight. He thought for a moment and then said, "You're right, Michael."
He went on. "Well, I bet I could help you keep from breaking it just like I helped you fix it. But not if I had to sit back where you sit. I wouldn't be able to see the stumps, either."
Steve asked, "What would we have to do so you could help me?"
He said, "We would have to build a seat and put it up here on the front so I could watch for the stumps."
So they built a seat, put a little seat belt on it, and fastened it to the front of the tractor. Then as they drove along, Michael would yell, "Stump!" and Steve would go around it. In two years they haven't broken the tractor once.
When people visited the ranch, Michael would tell them very quickly, "Dad used to break the tractor all the time until I took responsibility for the stumps."
After that, Steve seldom returned home without Michael handing him a list of things that need fixing on the ranch, tasks that take two people. What he learned from the tractor experience is that "When a job takes two, I am sometimes equal to my father, and that makes me very significant."

From the book: Raising Self-Relient Children in a Self-Indulgent World by Glenn & Nelson.

Hymn - Brooke Fraser

2009-12-02T23:21:00.000-08:00

If to distant lands I scatter
If I sail to farthest seas
Would You find and firm and gather
'Til I only dwell in Thee

If I flee from greenest pastures
Would You leave to look for me
Forfeit glory to come after
'Til I only dwell in Thee

If my heart has one ambition
If my soul one goal to seek
This my solitary vision
'Til I only dwell in Thee
That I only dwell in Thee
'Til I only dwell in Thee

Sought After

2009-11-19T19:47:00.000-08:00

I am a head counselor for an after school program called A-teens. It's for girls only, grades 6-8. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, me and one to two other counselors travel out to 3 different schools, one for each day.

When we get there we always have snack time..never skip out on snack time.
We play games like twister, hide-and-go-seek, mafia, and skit productions.
We do crafts like painting, drawing, jewelry making, wrapping present boxes for costumes. :) yes.
We also do what we call "circle time". Basically, you go around the circle and rate your day on a scale from 1-10 and then get to answer the random question for the day.

More often than not, those four things go over easy enough...but there's one more activity we do that, well, is not always the easiest to get through.
We have curriculum that we go over with them...basically information about girl stuff that gives us a chance to share and them a chance to answer questions. It's pretty much a hit or miss thing.
But no matter if they like it or not, we can never hold all their attention the full duration and that full duration is usually only about 5-10 minutes max.

And now after all that explaining..what I actually wanted to write about...

Today. We talked to 11 junior high girls for a completely undisturbed 45 minutes.

Let that sink in for a minute.

Forty. Five.

My chest swells thinking about it. Why? Because the topics today: periods (sorry boys) and the one that was really doing all the captivating, sex.

Satan..pisses me off. I'll just say it.
Those girls are so innocent. and so beautiful. and so so incredibly young.
And I remember being there.
So much curiosity and fear and misunderstood expectations..

I feel great about that time spent talking about those things together. Awestruck and definitely humbled. But I can't help but know all too well Satan's schemes in store for them. I can't help but know that talk as we may, all we can really do is pray. For their protection and for guarded hearts. Because wherever their curiosity takes them, God will be there. And He'll be waiting to bring them back to their true identity.

God risks so much by giving us freedom..
He loves us so much..

Hosea's story paints the picture perfectly..
(from chapters 8-11)

Israel cries out to me,
'O our God, we acknowledge you!'
But Israel has rejected what is good;
an enemy will pursue him.
Israel is swallowed up;
now she is among the nations
like a worthless thing.
For they have gone up to Assyria
like a wild donkey wandering alone.
Ephraim has sold herself to lovers.
Do not rejoice, O Israel;
do not be jubilant like the other nations.
For you have been unfaithful to your God;
you love the wages of a prostitute
at every threshing floor.
Their heart is deceitful,
and now they must bear their guilt.
The LORD will demolish their altars
and destroy their sacred stones.
"When Israel was a child, I loved him,
and out of Egypt I called my son.
"But the more I called Israel,
the further they went from me.
"My people are determined to turn from me.
"How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboiim?
My heart is changed within me;
all my compassion is aroused.
"I will not carry out my fierce anger,
nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim.
For I am God, and not man—
the Holy One among you.
I will not come in wrath.^c]"> "They will follow the LORD;
he will roar like a lion.
When he roars,
his children will come trembling from the west.
"They will come trembling
like birds from Egypt,
like doves from Assyria.
I will settle them in their homes,"
declares the LORD.

The enemy may pursue, but there is One far greater that will never forsake you
"...and you will be called Sought After..." Isaiah 62:12

Random.

2009-11-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

Thoughts.

Text conversation from Saturday that I loved:
Dad's across the country. I called. He couldn't answer. Hence this exchange of words...
Daddy Ray: "Hey girl. I'm at a hockey game. What are you up to?"
Me: "I'm about to go to a cook out, I was just calling to say hi :)"
Daddy Ray: "Very good. What are you cooking for me?"
The conversation continued a tad bit afterward, but that was all we really needed.

From a Beth Moore video tonight:
"Now that you are not so impressed with yourself, maybe I can use you."
Pens went flying to record this statement before the words had finished leaving her lips.

A scene that appears strange to a boy:
"So was that a I-can-go-and-eat-your-cookie-dough conversation we just had?"
"Oh yeah, for sure. Go get it."
Returning with a roll of sugar cookie dough, three college girls pinch away at the sugary goodness.
Our friend Willie grabs a little and laughs.
"Do boys not do this?" One girl inquires.
"I mean, we eat cookie dough, but not just sitting around like this together."
A fourth girl arrives at the front door with a just-purchased roll of chocolate chip cookie dough and hands it off.
A fifth girl has migrated to the scene; both naturally join in the festivity.
All 5 girls continue to pinch away at the two different kinds of cookie dough.
After some quality time spent doing this, one of the original three begins to depart for the night,"Okay. Well. I'm going to bed."
Willie stops her with a question, "Wait, y'all aren't going to make cookies?"
"No."
"...Y'all never had any intention of ever making any cookies?"
"No."
:) the joys of girl time.

Keeps running through my mind:
"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him" 1 Corinthians 2:9 ...It is hard to not imagine what you would have that mean for yourself. Where would you have me God?

Highlight of my day:
Receiving an e-mail from an 80+ year old woman with a picture of a mouse saying God is good and that she sees me as one of her blessings. Heart melting.

Gerontology test tomorrow:
Goodnight.

Extravagance

2009-10-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know how He does it.

*Your love is extravagant
Your friendship it is intimate

He is the Lover of my Soul. He is so in tune with my every fear and my every hope and He knows with every detail how they are intertwined. He exposes me to that which draws out the very unknown I only hoped existed. And it does exist because, praise God, the Holy Spirit lives.

Little girls long for adventure. Twirling and playing and dress up aren't evidence that she thinks that's all there is to life. It's evidence she thinks there's more. It's the hope of a brilliant future in a fantastic story that matters deeply to the soul. With beauty and wit and a heart that loves wholly and fearlessly she'll dance her way through a life so full her very core can't be bound.
Admitting that playtime is secret dreaming in role play is something so scary even she won't want to realize it in fear that it's just too good to be true.

I never could have imagined...I look back at my plans I knew I could have achieved. How safe it all was. How empty my life would have been. The plans of the Lord- He who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do- stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations (Psalm 33: 11 & 15) A chosen daughter of the King of kings will not live an ordinary life. It is not that I feel at all like I've achieved anywhere near this out-of-the-ordinary life. It's that I can't tell you one thing about my future and it gives me chills. I can't figure it out. I LOVE how unsatisfied I am with what the world wants me to do. I know He won't let me settle for what so much of my surrounding thinks I need. I need to live and breathe and eat and drink and sleep Jesus Christ. God I don't know how to get where it is you want me to go but

I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place

Clear Lake is heavy on my heart tonight. There are nights when the swelling in my chest is so great I barely know how to stand it. How in the world did I get so lucky? I wish to write about these great people but words seem so insignificant to their impact on my life. Because of my God destined time spent with them, I am forever changed.

Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known
You consider me a friend

So much of me understands my unworthiness. This is why admitting the dreams means admitting the fears. Unimpactful? Meaningless? Lifeless?

Capture my heart again

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine.
We wait in hope for the Lord; He is our help and our shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you. (Psalm 33: 18-22)

Extravagant as defined on Dictionary.com :)
3. exceeding the bounds of reason, as actions, demands, opinions or passions.
4. going beyond what is deserved or justifiable.

Your love truly is extravagant.

I wish. I want. I always have. Change my heart O God to desire the things you desire. Guide me. Take me to where you want me to be, lead me to those places. Because I could never be so happy, I've never been as happy, as when I am surrounded by the purpose and will of the King. To make you happy, to make you proud, to Love and to be in your Love, that is a dream come true.

*Casting Crowns - Your Love is Extravagant

Happy Sounds.

2009-10-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Michael Buble.

Haven't Met You Yet

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

Crazy Love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ov4BTDJId8

Everything
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeKtB2EhdaE

Owl City.

Dear Vienna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxGNhchIx1M

Hello Seattle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efri_kouyDM

Fireflies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aI4JLa0hbUw

:)

"Hold it Tight and You Won't Have Any'"

2009-10-19T19:19:00.001-07:00

Today I drove.
and drove and drove.
I left Abilene. It was freeing.

Then I had to be realistic and remember that it's Monday and I had somewhere to be in 2 hours and that I don't have the money to be driving out of town like I did. So I turned around and came back.

But...I loved the drive. Very Texas but very home. I always feel God so easily when there is nothing but open road and open fields and sky in front. It seems so easy to come back to the heart of things. Simplicity. And let's be real, Phil Wickham makes it even more relaxing.

When I got back into town I sat at the park by the zoo for a while watching the ducks. No Phil this time, just silence. Seemed to be all I needed to listen.

Went and picked up food at Sharky's afterward. Such an interesting place. Escaping Abilene to breathe a little with God and then come to Sharky's and He's there too.

He's in people like the Conwells. Mr. Conwell was at a table talking to some college kids (I'm assuming) and it didn't quite look like small talk. I wish I could've heard what they were talking about. Then his wife comes in and the college kids leave and he gives the same attention to her as he did to them. Every week I see the two of them there eating together. And they TALK during their meal. And listen. A lot of connecting going on at Sharky's.

Then you have people who can't remember if they shuffled the dominos spending time together because it matters. With open arms they welcome anyone and everyone in and laugh with them and share what it is they are a part of.

Sharing with others, sharing with God. These are the things that make the worst of days the best.

My elementary school teachers couldn't have sung it better :)
Love is something if you give it away, give it away, give it away;
Love is something if you give it away, it comes right back to you.
Love is like a lucky penny, hold it tight and you won't have any;
Give it away, and you'll have plenty, It comes right back to you.

One Perspective.

2009-10-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

I entered the kitchen only far enough to see her peering behind Wes at the stove. She was a little black girl who waved back with a shy smile after my excited attempt to connect. It's not that the other people in the room weren't important, for they very much were..and are. Wes is one of the college aged guys living at the house on Cockerell Drive. Kyle, a friend I met through Clear Lake Church of Christ (a whole 'nother story in itself), is temporarily living there until he can get a place with his friend Marshall on the south side of town. You see, I wouldn't have ever been there had it not been for these two. So, like I said, they are in fact important. I suppose it's more that I don't quite understand my place with them yet that it was so easy for me to be drawn to her. I went around and in through the other doorway to sit next to her at the kitchen table.
I suppose I didn't want to impose so I began to take out some homework I had brought with me.
"What's your name?" I started with.
"Alina."
"I'm Candice."
I'm sure I asked her some questions desiring to break the ice, but I'm positive we both still felt awkward. I decided to let it alone. Kyle, busy making the tortillas, asked me a few questions to make me feel welcomed which I appreciated. Wes shook my hand and we all engaged in some light conversation. Ben came in, whose hand I also shook, and I took a backseat to glance at my homework but mostly to watch the roommates interact. I'm not sure when it happened exactly but I know she left the room to check out what the other two roommates, Josh and Aaron, were up to. (I had met these two when they let me in the house earlier.)
I remember feeling relieved that, right as I was clearing my homework so the boys could eat at the table, Ainsley arrived. I got up to greet her and we decided to start working on our question box she brought. This is a box that girls from where we work can put anonymous questions in for us to attempt to answer. We just so happened to work on the couch Alina was now sitting at as I asked her if she wanted to help. Silently excited we'd want her help, she agreed.
Let's just say the box didn't look like what I pictured, but I'm so glad. With her opinions and handiwork involved, it looked better than I could've imagined.
While we worked on the box we listened to the roommates, which was pretty funny. Apparently I need to watch Fiddler on the Roof, which I hope we follow through with. We used all their tape. And Moo Moo, Alina's brother, arrived.
The 11 year old's initial excitement to be there quickly faded when he realized there were new people and that meal time was keeping the boys busy. After several minutes of watching him watch us make the box, I asked if he knew any card games. By now the boys had scattered again from the kitchen. Kyle, who had just finished cleaning up, caught the end of our conversation. Moo Moo, Kyle, Ainsley, and I all decided to play Egyptian Rat Screw. Alina, next to me and Ainsley, watched intently.
After one game the timid sixth grade boy had transformed into quite the competitor. Games two and three were moved to the kitchen table for better reaching and slapping purposes. Alina joined in these rounds.
Naturally, since the mood was right from us all getting pumped up from the game- the next move was to time Moo Moo shove a banana into his mouth. 1 minute, 9 seconds.
During the game, three more older kids arrived; one being a brother of the two present siblings. He was our audience for game three.
With more commotion in the house now, we all split to check it out. Ainsley and I finished up the question box, but of course not far behind came Alina wanting to help finish.
Wondering what to do next, Alina asked about the balloons she had seen in my car. I explained we were going to release them in the sky to honor a little baby boy born stillborn the week before. When I asked if she wanted to help, she didn't hesitate.
We took the balloons to the park to release them and Moo Moo followed. I let Alina keep the red heart balloon and we watched the rest rise higher and higher into the atmosphere. A still moment calmed my heart as I wondered the complexities of the "why"s in this world. Of course, on the way back, Moo Moo and I raced since Alina didn't wish to participate in order to protect her balloon.
Catching our breaths, I teased Moo Moo by announcing to Kyle, now in the garage working on bikes, that I won...an obvious lie. Moo Moo, now full of energy, gladly volunteered when Kyle asked for some help on the bikes- that he may or may not have really needed.
The saddest part of my day was in that garage when I realized my time at the blessed home was now up. We gathered our things and said our goodbyes.
Ainsley and I, beaming, said with pure joy in our voices, "I'm so glad we came." We never stopped smiling the whole way back to our cars, and probably a good while after.

Thank you God for Moo Moo and Alina.
Thank you God for the Cockerell boys and what you've inspired them to do.
Thank you God for Jesus Christ.
What an honor to live in your kingdom.

Cross Your Heart.

2009-10-04T21:43:00.000-07:00

For Chase.
Thanks Stew Crew
..And Alina :)

Up.

2009-10-03T10:57:00.000-07:00

I'm forwarding this blog post on. Chase Allen was a little baby boy who was born still born on Wednesday after his mother carried him for 8 months. His heart stopped beating on Sunday. In the post, "the girls" refers to his 3 expecting older (yet still very young) sisters that only got to hold their baby brother one single time.

Balloons for Chase Allen Jacobs

Chelsea has asked that I let everyone know about a very special "memorial" we are having for Chase on Saturday. The family will gather at my sister's house and release notes tied to balloons. The girls really wanted everyone to send notes up to Chase, and what better way than by balloon? Except paper airplanes, which was another request. But first Chelsea has to figure out how to get a paper airplane to fly through the clouds :)

One of Chelsea's amazingly good friends, Nicole, had the idea for friends' families to participate from their homes. How incredible! SO...

We're asking that if you are so inclined, you and your family release balloons (with notes if you'd like) in honor of Chase. We'd LOVE it if you'd take pictures of it, too! Send them to me (cassieandcompany@gmail.com) or Chelsea (if you know her email) and we will print them all off to show the girls just how many people love the Jacobs and wanted to honor Chase. What a special memory for the entire family! (AND if you have a blog, PLEASE post it and let me know about it!!)

Feel free to pass this along to anyone you think might be interested, whether we know you or not! Mark and Chelsea have been so blown away (and are SO grateful) by the outpouring of love and support. I would love for them to be blown away by the number of people releasing balloons, too. So spread the word!!

I Will Forever Be Your Bride.

2009-10-01T00:10:00.000-07:00

When we were wed
You knew my worse
I couldn't grasp your better

When we were wed
I thought we'd be richer
You whispered, "Only through poorer..."

When we were wed
I wished away sickness
You redefined health

When we were wed
I sought to cherish and love
You embodied the two

When we were wed
I reasoned death as our start
You resonated, "From this day forward..."
When we were wed.

"I delight greatly in the LORD;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels."
Isaiah 61:10

"...as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride,
so will your God rejoice over you."
Isaiah 62:5b

Words I Liked Today

2009-09-30T00:27:00.000-07:00

"Between every unfaithful generation and faithful generation is one person determined to change. My friend, you could be that link. So could I. Perhaps no one in your family was overtly sinful, but they were simply uninvolved in Christ's kingdom agenda. Maybe you would like to be a link that takes your family line from an unfulfilling life of religion to a passionate life of relationship with Christ. Perhaps your prayer for your grandchildren and great-grandchildren might be a love for missions. Whatever it may be, you can be that link!"

----Beth Moore

Freedom. Life. Christ.
yes, please.

"but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." ----Exodus 20:6

Intimacy: Confrontational.

2009-09-27T12:19:00.001-07:00

I live in a house with 6 other girls. So yes. 7 of us total. I know. We're nuts.

Here's the thing.
Even though yes there have been times I've wished I could escape it all (sometimes even all of Abilene), I don't know if I could have asked for a better blessing for my college living experience.

7 girls. One house.

Ann Marie's room is closest with mine. We share a hallway and a bathroom.
Allie is in the middle of the house. Second closest to me.
Julie shares a bathroom with Allie and her room is pretty far from me.
On the other side of the house is Hannah who has her own bathroom (she got the smallest room).
Then even further is Meredith and DJ who share a (huge) room and bathroom.

You probably wonder why in the world I would even tell you our room locations.
But let me tell you.
God does NOTHING by accident.
Picking rooms was a stressful situation. We drew numbers. #1 got first pick..and so on.
And this is how we ended up. Not by accident I assure you. And now that we're here living in this arrangement, it is making such perfect sense.

My room is easily shut off from the house. This has quite possibly been the biggest advantage for me this year. I'm a huge introvert and I'm realizing now how much not having my alone time really did affect me the last two years. I feel much more sane now.
But it's funny because Ann Marie is right next to me, who is quite possibly the most outgoing. (Her or Meredith who was my roommate last year in Sikes). Funny? Or purposeful.
I've loved getting to bond with Ann Marie though. She walks in to talk plenty and I need people who will do that because I pretty much am not going to walk into other people's rooms on a regular basis. I just go to mine.
We've bonded by doing stupid things like Bible in a Minute (look it up on youtube please) or making a music video to the song Butterfly Kisses. And let me tell you, if you would have known me this time last year, you would have known how big of a deal that is. I would rather have died than danced. All the girls have helped me past that, and Ann Marie keeps my fun side out on a regular basis that I didn't really know existed much. Or at least I'd forgotten about it for several years.
Then Ann Marie has made comments about how my organization and cleanliness has helped her to cope with life and keep her stress level down. And like I said, we talk plenty-- and I know that because of certain truths about our personalities, it is very good for us to be talking about what we're going through as much as we do. God's good. I'm so grateful to have her near this often.
Then Allie is right smack dab in the middle. She's been dating a guy since freshman year and they recently broke up. Now God's not only placed her in a house with 6 other girls, but her room is literally surrounded by us. I don't know Allie as well as the others, so I'm glad she is close and pray that continues to breed opportunities for us to connect on a deeper level. It's also been funny to get to know her because it's weird some of the similarities we have that I never realized before. I bet God will show us something pretty cool between the two of us before we move out.
Julie's location I know is important to her because it was her sister's old room. Also because of the way it's set up, you have to be pretty creative to make it work for a room. Julie's entire family is extremely creative so the room was a good challenge for their talents. As far as Julie being in that place now, I haven't quite figured much out about that yet. I know it's been a good thing for her and Allie to share a bathroom. I've heard only good things. Allie also seems to be able to understand a lot about Julie's dating situation at the moment which seems to be a blessing.
Hannah's room is unique. In order to get to Meredith and DJ's room you have to walk through Hannah's. So she has very little privacy due to that fact and also because her room is right next to the kitchen. But Hannah loves to be around people. She's quiet but very extraverted at times. She seems to be energized by the excitement that her room allows her to stay connected to constantly. Also she's sharing a closet in DJ and Meredith's room which means the three of them have a lot of interaction together which I know is good. Hannah analyzes a lot just like me so I know the combination of her and Meredith together will do a lot of the same good that me and Mer rooming together last year did. Hannah and DJ have always been close but they both studied abroad last year during different semesters so it is good for them to make up for lost time.
DJ and Meredith sharing a room together provides an awesome bond for them. I don't know if they would spend quite as much time together sharing like they do if they weren't in a room together.

Maybe from an outsider it's hard to understand exaclty why these personalities are so complimentary to one another at this particular time, and why this set up is so fascinating---but for me personally I love to experience and watch it unfold.

See here's another big thing.
I gave up dating for the entire year.
I will be single for my entire junior year and the following summer.
No dates. No promises. No commitments. Nothing.

But I'm convinced that while God is healing my heart this year from wounds I've punctured myself through dating, he is still preparing me for relationships to come, romantic or not.

I know for a fact he is teaching me about long term commitment through these girls.

Ever since junior high I've had a different best friend every year. I've had 5 meaningful dating relationships along with 6 more that, though casual, I still invested some of myself into in some way. I can have still have a meaning conversation with about 2 friends from high school.
I don't get homesick. I'm just not one to linger in relationships.

But these girls I've been with for going on 3 years now. And it's not just fluff surface friendships like you have in youthgroup for years and years. This is the real deal. Tough stuff. These girls know me.

All those things you try to hide and pretend aren't there- they aren't afraid to call me out on, on a daily basis. And I do the same for them. We aren't afraid of conflict and we aren't afraid to say it how it is.

We also know how to encourage each other in more meaningful ways because we know when something is a real challenge and we know what characteristics really are natural and true about each other.

Living with people. One person even. Is such a challenge. But it teaches you so much about fully accepting one another and about holding each other accountable. It teaches you about challenging one another and blessing one another and being there when the rest of the world chews you up and spits you out. It's about giving you space and it's about not leaving your side. It's about sharing and then holding each other responsible. It's about loving words and stern words. It's about truth and silence. It's about dance parties and tears. It's about prayer and cookies. It's about tough questions without answers and straight advice. It's about observations and minding your own business. It's about learning and teaching.

But the best thing it's been about is God himself. I know and understand so much better about his nature by experiencing so many different personalities on a regular basis. And whether or not I'll want to date again at the end of this year I can't know right now. But I know that wherever God takes me I'm going to be with people and they will be my family because of my Lord Jesus Christ. And if I'm going to be around family I'm going to have to learn how to treat them with love always and to see them for who God made them to be. But I know I have to start now not only with my actual family but with my family here in Abilene. If I want to go and change the world but the blessed community God's already put me in is one that I neglect and take advantage of, I won't go far. I have to be willing to minister to broken people and I have to realize that starts with myself and those that already currently surround me.

God is such an intimate God who cannot act outside of love and I pray He never gives up on teaching you and me to live likewise.

Sleep in Peace, For You Alone

2009-09-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

There are nights when you simply can't be comforted.

Those close to you can't relate; worse case scenario they don't care, but probably it's that they just don't know.

"On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me."
Psalm 63:6-8

May You, God my Only, always be the only one who can calm my soul.

Girl shared this at Stew this weekend. Branch-Plea (Remix). Love it.
"Father, teach me just how to die
For I fear my will has grown too strong
Strip away my false humility
And grant that I boast solely in the cross

Father, teach me just how to die
For my ear loves to hear praise from man
Take my drive to be recognized
And grant that my life only point to You

Father, teach me just how to die
Forgive me when I think You owe me something
Instill God fear within my bones
Lord, I surrender, I am Your's

You're worthy
The only one who's worthy
Jesus, You are worthy
The only one who's worthy"

I Beg

2009-08-19T01:14:00.000-07:00

Here I am
One more day of not
Loving Him the way He asks
In fact my heart is singing praises to the things
that make me feel alright

So I’m sinking fast like a stone heart should
And on the way down
I’ve done what I could
To try and try to turn this stone to flesh

So here I am
Got my deeds for the day
All my cute little words about
How I am saved
Am I saved?

Could I love you with my mouth like a church kid should
At the end of the day
My words get burned as wood
Oh, but I was good.

These songs are noise
In your ears
A clanging drum
You want my love

I’m haunted by my God
Who has the right to ask me
What by the nature of my rebellion
I cannot give.

So I beg for you to move
I beg for you to move
I beg for you to break through

----Shane and Shane, Beg Lyrics

A good picture of where I've been and what my prayer is now. Yes.

I would just change one word in the song if I could (though I'm sure they chose the one they did for a purpose).

"I'm pursued by my God who has the right to ask me what by the nature of my rebellion I cannot give."

He is a pursuing God. He will ask. He will move. He will break through. He has already.

God's Cocoon

2009-08-11T23:47:00.000-07:00

A dear friend shared a story with me tonight. It hits hard on my summer and looks like what will be the rest of my year. Thankfully I know whose cocoon I'm supposed to be in this time.

Once a little boy was playing outdoors and found a fascinating caterpillar. He carefully picked it up and took it home to show his mother. He asked his mother if he could keep it, and she said he could if he would take good care of it.

The little boy got a large jar from his mother and put plants to eat, and a stick to climb on, in the jar. Every day he watched the caterpillar and brought it new plants to eat.

One day the caterpillar climbed up the stick and started acting strangely. The boy worriedly called his mother who came and understood that the caterpillar was creating a cocoon. The mother explained to the boy how the caterpillar was going to go through a metamorphosis and become a butterfly.

The little boy was thrilled to hear about the changes his caterpillar would go through. He watched every day, waiting for the butterfly to emerge. One day it happened, a small hole appeared in the cocoon and the butterfly started to struggle to come out.

At first the boy was excited, but soon he became concerned. A few days passed and small hole got a little bigger, but still the butterfly was struggling so hard to get out! Sometimes the cocoon would shake almost violently, but nothing seemed to happen. It looked like it couldn't break free! I looked desperate! It looked like it was making no progress!

The boy was so concerned that one day he decided to help. He ran to get scissors... He snipped the cocoon to make the hole bigger and the butterfly quickly emerged!

As the butterfly came out, the boy was at first delighted, but his delight quickly changed to surprise. The butterfly had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. He continued to watch the butterfly, though, because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would dry out, enlarge and expand to support the swollen body. He knew that in time the body would shrink and the butterfly's wings would expand.

But neither happened!

The butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings.

It never was able to fly...

As the boy tried to figure out what had gone wrong his mother took him to talk to a scientist from a local college. He learned that the butterfly was supposed to struggle. In fact, the butterfly's struggle to push its way through the tiny opening of the cocoon pushes the fluid out of its body and into its wings. Without the struggle, the butterfly would never, ever fly. They boy's good intentions hurt the butterfly.

As we go through life, keep in mind that struggling is an important part of any growth experience. In fact, it is the struggle that causes us to develop our ability to fly. And when we help others to get through their struggles, our gift to them is stronger wings...

Strength without Compassion Proves Nothing but a Fierce Coward

2009-07-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

This one might be better without much of an introduction..ohwell :) but I wrote it back in Abilene at the park by the zoo while listening to the lion roar..which was way cool, especially thinking about strength and the image of the Lion of Judah. I guess I wrote this because something had set me off about the misuse of boys' natural and seemingly strong sense to fight and protect, which I think is a gift and a quality that proves we were made in God's image.

Don't you know the kind of hope you bring people when you stand up for something you believe in? Of course you want to fight - so fight. Who's telling you not to?
But choose to fight battles that bring about m o r e to this world than selfish pride. Fight for something bigger than the proof of your own strength.
Instead of protecting yourself from failure, take heart and have faith that you could allow us a glimpse of what it means to defend truth and love - not for the sake of your name but for God's kingdom.
Show me that kind of man. Release that kind of warrior.
Reveal the God that lives inside of you that knows no fear and reflect honor and glory onto the creator of the courageous conqueror you are.

Yes, Please

2009-07-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

On a more serious note...
((Since isn't blogging made for intense thoughts such as these?))

After my housemate Julie sent me this link this morning,
I now have a much clearer picture of how I might calm my nerves if I were to ever walk down the aisle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0

Can't Have One Without The Other

2009-07-24T21:26:00.001-07:00

Ahem...

Hmm,

Trying this whole blog thing out.
A little new to it...but here goes :)

Realizing, thanks to a friend, how little time I've been taking to know myself, God also showed me this thought-and it's been a pretty big one on my mind since.

According to 1 Corinthians 13...

LOVE...
((the most excellent way))

...is patient. is kind.
is not envious or boastful or proud. is not rude or self-seeking.
is not easily angered and keeps no record or wrongs.
does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
protects. trusts. hopes. perseveres.
quiets and stills. purifies and reveals.
and it never fails.

So,
the question this time..
is not only "Do you love?"
but
Do you love yourself?